I’ve had a really bad habit my whole life that Stu called me on about a year ago. He said, You never practice anything. If you’re not good at it from the get-go, you don’t do it. You know, people practice things. They struggle and work for what they want. You don’t. If you have to work for it, you won’t do it.
And he was right. I’ve been so damn lazy – persistence and perseverance have not been my strong suits.
I could write, so I wrote. I could sing, so I sang. I could play instruments, so I did. But I didn’t draw. I didn’t paint. I could do hoop tricks but I couldn’t dance like I wanted to. I didn’t practice the dancing. I just hung up the hoop. I’ve done this so many times.
And now I have all this breastfeeding DRAMA. And lordy lord, it’s HARD. I’m not feeding her from my breast anymore. I pump the milk, and she gets it from a bottle, and it’s a whole big hassle, really. Maybe I shouldn’t say that feeding my baby is a hassle, but this is. It would be easier if I could just feed her from my breast, but I can’t. It would also be easier if she was solely formula-fed, but she’s not. So I pump the milk and wash the dishes and manage the bottles and measure and warm and pump and wash and oy vey it’s hard.
Of course, this begs the question, why not just formula-feed her? She has been almost exclusively breast-fed for over five months. She’s fine. And yes, she is. But this is important to me. In all the baby stuff that has inundated my life, this is the most important to me. She can wear cheap onesies. She doesn’t need expensive Pampers. If I get my way, her favourite toy will be a pot and a wooden spoon. But for now, as long as I’m still making milk, she’s gonna get it, dammit. So I do this whole rigamarole. And it’s a struggle.
I was complaining about it all to Stu the other day, and he pointed out that the reason it’s so hard is because I’m not used to struggling. I’m not used to working for things, or working at things, or things being difficult and having to work through them. This is the first thing I can remember in a long time that I’ve really worked for. This is the first thing that I haven’t just been lazy about.
And I’m doing it. It’s a struggle, and it’s a hassle every day, but I’m doing it.
I wonder what else I could do if I put in a little effort into it. Maybe I could draw after all. Maybe I could dance. Maybe I could write for a living…