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The Sign on my Lawn

Originally written on June 7, 2008:

I have a friend who told me the other day that I have a big FUCK OFF sign on my lawn

I don’t actually have a lawn, but I get the metaphor. She said I can be really defensive with people, and that it’s usually to either prevent myself from getting hurt or having a reason to fall back on when the inevitable hurt finally arrives.

I never really thought of myself as a defensive person before. Angry? Sure. Bitter? Who’s not? But not defensive. But as she laid it all out there plain as day, it was hard to deny what she was saying.

This all came up because there’s this guy…blah blah. Whatever. The point is, I don’t know what to do with him. I do like him. But I don’t want to tell him. For two reasons – one, I don’t want to hear him say he doesn’t like me back. Two, I don’t want to hear him say he does like me back.

Fun, huh?

It would be really nice to have a boyfriend. But, it has also been nice not having a boyfriend. And I’m really not up for heartbreak right now, so I’m keeping all of this to myself. But apparently, it’s more than that. It’s the big FUCK OFF sign on my lawn rearing it’s ugly head.

I told her all the reasons I don’t think it would work between me and said boy.

And she said, “This is you, making excuses for why it won’t work, so that when it doesn’t work, you can say you knew all along, and you think that if you keep these reasons in your back pocket and pull them out when the ‘inevitable’ happens, it won’t hurt, because this will be your ammunition against it.” Or something like that.

Anyway, the point is, she’s right. I had never thought about it like that before, but as soon as she said it, I saw that she was right. And not only did I see it in this situation, but I saw how I have done that over and over again in my life.

It’s not to say that I’m going to tell said boy how I feel, but she has given me a lot to think about.

Angry, bitter and defensive.

Jeez. I suck large.

My thoughts now, November 12, 2008:

She was right and wrong. I can definitely put up the FUCK YOU sign when I need to be defensive. But that’s not what was going on. Because, the day after I wrote that, I went on a date. And another date. And another. With the same guy. Not the guy in that post. Another guy. A guy I’m still dating today.

So where did the FUCK YOU sign go with this guy I’m dating now? Why didn’t I have it up with him but with guy #1? I don’t know why it was so hard to see then. I didn’t want him. Looking back at it, and it wasn’t that long ago, it’s pretty clear. I didn’t want him. I could have had him if I wanted it. I didn’t. I made every excuse in the book.

“It just won’t work.”

“We’re too different.”

“We’re too much the same.”

“He’s too much the same.”

I felt like I should want to be with him. It made a lot of sense, on paper. But I just didn’t feel it. I didn’t then, and I just couldn’t fake it. I did that for so long, I just couldn’t do it anymore.

So there we have it. It only took me 5 months to figure that one out.

Good on you, Anne. Keep going.

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