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Restless…

That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. Restless.

It’s not the first time.

I can’t say what brings it on, or what makes it go away, but right now, the feeling is very strong.

I can’t sit still anymore. My mind wanders here and there. Usually there. Hardly ever here.

I’m sure my therapist would tell me it’s a symptom of the ADD she diagnosed me with after having talked to me for 30 minutes. I like her, but she can really be a bitch.

I feel like I’m standing on a ledge, and all I want to do is jump. (It’s a metaphor folks – I’m not suicidal). The problem is, I don’t know what jumping means. Do I quit my job? Have a one-night stand? Move to San Francisco?

I haven’t slept well in several weeks. I wake up in middle of the night, and can’t fall back asleep. Or, I just don’t sleep at all. I start working, I stop working. I have great intentions to cook fancy meals for myself, but I just can’t seem to get my thoughts organized enough to get it done, so I end up eating frozen pizza. I start doing things – a million things all at once, and then get flustered and can’t focus and I have to stop and talk myself through one step at a time to get things organized. I realize this sounds like ADD, but I’ve been here before. it’s not ADD. It’s the most overwhelming feeling of restlessness.

I suspect this has something to do with that day coming up in early June that I’ve been trying hard not dwell on. I let the thoughts of that day come and go, but I don’t usually let them linger long. I’ve also been trying not to think too hard about where I was a year ago, leading up to that day in early June last year. Memories come and go, but I don’t let them linger.

Perhaps that’s why I’m restless. Maybe I need to just deal with whatever I feel and move on. But I’m so tired of feeling sad. I’m so tired of regret. I just want to get on with it – without the restlessness. I’m sure contentment is out there somewhere. I’ve had it before – gently sitting on my shoulder. It was a brief period in my life, but that feeling of peace has always stayed with me, and I’ve been searching for it ever since.

God, I need to relax.

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